"Men Having Babies"

Last month I attended the 6th Annual “Men Having Babies” Educational Forum at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center in the heart of Greenwich Village. I was representing The American Fertility Association (AFA) and my role was to answer questions about surrogacy and tell attendees about our organization, which supports LGBT family building.

Terry Boggis, The Center’s Family Policy Advocate and a longtime supporter of The AFA, had invited me to attend, and one of the upsides to this was having the opportunity to listen to a national panel of experts covering the psychological, legal, and medical aspects of surrogacy. A second panel was made up of gay men who were there to tell their stories.

The events of the day are crystallized into one striking image for me. It is of two men tending to a baby boy with brown hair and almond eyes. The men are clearly the parents of this baby and they are taking turns holding him and jiggling him in their arms with all the seriousness of new parents. The connection among the three of them is palpable.

I know I studied them longer than I would have studied a heterosexual couple
with their child. I am straight and I was curious—I wondered if there would be differences in how they interacted with their baby. Instead, I was struck by the similarities. These parents were so connected and loving—and so clearly besotted with their little guy. They reminded me of myself and my husband twenty years ago after our baby was born and everything he did seemed like a miracle.

After the Panel of Experts, we had a break. I turned my attention to the people who came by The AFA’s table. Talking to some of the attendees I saw how hungry they were for information and also for the company of others on the same family building quest. How else could you explain the 50-plus attendees who came out on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

I remembered that time in my own life when I was searching, not for a surrogate to help me create my family, but for information about my infertility. Infertility was barely out of the closet then and we were so eager to be with others experiencing the same thing. It is so mainstream now, but in the 80s it was, more often than I care to recall, a source of shame. We were “infertility pioneers,” seeking the solace of others.

The men at this conference were pioneers of another sort, one that involved bringing in one other person (traditional surrogacy) or, more likely, two (the egg donor and the surrogate needed for gestational surrogacy) to build a family.

The first couple at the “Personal Stories” panel was the two men with the baby I’d seen. I listened intently, and then a funny thing happened. I heard that the men’s names were Tony and Gary, and their baby was Nick. They talked about a documentary they had been the subject of as they pursued their dream to have a family.

Now I’m someone who believes there are forces in our lives that go far beyond our understanding. Nothing delights me more than when I experience “evidence” of this. Call it bashert (a Yiddish word meaning destiny), synchronicity, or, in this particular case, serendipity—a propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated.

Whatever you call it, I knew in a flash that the Gary and Tony at the front of the room were the same Gary and Tony who were featured in CNN’s documentary “Gary and Tony Have a Baby,” hosted by Soledad O’Brien. Coincidentally, The AFA will be honoring this documentary with a Media Award for Fertility Awareness on November 10th at our “Illuminations” event in New York City.

At the end of the day, I felt incredibly fortunate (touched by an angel?) to get to meet Tony and Gary after their talk and invite them to Illuminations. Happily, they will be coming, along with Baby Nick. I think this is a stellar example of “bashert” or “meant to be,” don’t you?

I hope you too will consider joining us on November 10th at The Midtown Loft & Terrace in Manhattan as well. To buy tickets, place an ad in our Tribute Journal, or help sponsor this event, please call Lisa Van Ness of The AFA at 888-917-3777.

Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is Founding Board Chair of The AFA. She has a private practice specializing in Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption in Larchmont, NY, and at Batzofin Fertility Services in Manhattan. 914-834-6396.