Preparing Yourself for Surrogacy

Having your child through surrogacy, whether traditional or gestational, can be an extremely positive experience—especially if you take the time beforehand to prepare yourself emotionally.

If you have gone through infertility, chances are you will be entering this new way of creating your family with a certain amount of trepidation. You may wonder how a surrogate will be able to give you the baby she has carried inside for nine months. It may be hard for you get used to the idea that you cannot keep tabs on her to make sure she is taking good care of the baby and herself throughout her pregnancy.

This time presents an opportunity to talk things over with a counselor who has seen many couples successfully become parents through surrogacy. You can work through some of your concerns and prepare yourself for your new family member at the same time.

The issues of trust and control are central between you (the intended parents) and your surrogate. One of the most important things you can do now is to learn to see things through her eyes, and give her the chance to see things through yours. A little empathy goes a long way toward building a solid relationship.

Still, you may find yourself worrying about your surrogate’s travel, diet, finances, choice of doctor, medication, bedrest, and labor and delivery. Clearly, you can’t control all of these variables, but you can, with a counselor’s help, decide which are most important to you so that you can raise them calmly. Many of your concerns can be alleviated by getting accurate medical information about your surrogate throughout her pregnancy.

The last trimester is a good time to plan for what your role will be during your surrogate’s labor and delivery. Your counselor can help you and your surrogate create a plan. How active will you be? Who will hold the baby first? How can you show your appreciation to your surrogate for what she has done?

A “good goodbye” with your surrogate is also important, and this, too, can be discussed ahead of time. Will you get together with your surrogate and her family? You may want to take pictures so that you can remember the woman who gave birth to your child. Finally, many intended parents and their surrogates may want to exchange small gifts as a way of validating the special relationship they have shared.