"Men Having Babies"

Last month I attended the 6th Annual “Men Having Babies” Educational Forum at the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center in the heart of Greenwich Village. I was representing The American Fertility Association (AFA) and my role was to answer questions about surrogacy and tell attendees about our organization, which supports LGBT family building.

Terry Boggis, The Center’s Family Policy Advocate and a longtime supporter of The AFA, had invited me to attend, and one of the upsides to this was having the opportunity to listen to a national panel of experts covering the psychological, legal, and medical aspects of surrogacy. A second panel was made up of gay men who were there to tell their stories.

The events of the day are crystallized into one striking image for me. It is of two men tending to a baby boy with brown hair and almond eyes. The men are clearly the parents of this baby and they are taking turns holding him and jiggling him in their arms with all the seriousness of new parents. The connection among the three of them is palpable.

I know I studied them longer than I would have studied a heterosexual couple
with their child. I am straight and I was curious—I wondered if there would be differences in how they interacted with their baby. Instead, I was struck by the similarities. These parents were so connected and loving—and so clearly besotted with their little guy. They reminded me of myself and my husband twenty years ago after our baby was born and everything he did seemed like a miracle.

After the Panel of Experts, we had a break. I turned my attention to the people who came by The AFA’s table. Talking to some of the attendees I saw how hungry they were for information and also for the company of others on the same family building quest. How else could you explain the 50-plus attendees who came out on a rainy Sunday afternoon?

I remembered that time in my own life when I was searching, not for a surrogate to help me create my family, but for information about my infertility. Infertility was barely out of the closet then and we were so eager to be with others experiencing the same thing. It is so mainstream now, but in the 80s it was, more often than I care to recall, a source of shame. We were “infertility pioneers,” seeking the solace of others.

The men at this conference were pioneers of another sort, one that involved bringing in one other person (traditional surrogacy) or, more likely, two (the egg donor and the surrogate needed for gestational surrogacy) to build a family.

The first couple at the “Personal Stories” panel was the two men with the baby I’d seen. I listened intently, and then a funny thing happened. I heard that the men’s names were Tony and Gary, and their baby was Nick. They talked about a documentary they had been the subject of as they pursued their dream to have a family.

Now I’m someone who believes there are forces in our lives that go far beyond our understanding. Nothing delights me more than when I experience “evidence” of this. Call it bashert (a Yiddish word meaning destiny), synchronicity, or, in this particular case, serendipity—a propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated.

Whatever you call it, I knew in a flash that the Gary and Tony at the front of the room were the same Gary and Tony who were featured in CNN’s documentary “Gary and Tony Have a Baby,” hosted by Soledad O’Brien. Coincidentally, The AFA will be honoring this documentary with a Media Award for Fertility Awareness on November 10th at our “Illuminations” event in New York City.

At the end of the day, I felt incredibly fortunate (touched by an angel?) to get to meet Tony and Gary after their talk and invite them to Illuminations. Happily, they will be coming, along with Baby Nick. I think this is a stellar example of “bashert” or “meant to be,” don’t you?

I hope you too will consider joining us on November 10th at The Midtown Loft & Terrace in Manhattan as well. To buy tickets, place an ad in our Tribute Journal, or help sponsor this event, please call Lisa Van Ness of The AFA at 888-917-3777.

Carolyn Berger, LCSW, is Founding Board Chair of The AFA. She has a private practice specializing in Fertility, All Family Building Options and Adoption in Larchmont, NY, and at Batzofin Fertility Services in Manhattan. 914-834-6396.

Preparing Yourself for Surrogacy

Having your child through surrogacy, whether traditional or gestational, can be an extremely positive experience—especially if you take the time beforehand to prepare yourself emotionally.

If you have gone through infertility, chances are you will be entering this new way of creating your family with a certain amount of trepidation. You may wonder how a surrogate will be able to give you the baby she has carried inside for nine months. It may be hard for you get used to the idea that you cannot keep tabs on her to make sure she is taking good care of the baby and herself throughout her pregnancy.

This time presents an opportunity to talk things over with a counselor who has seen many couples successfully become parents through surrogacy. You can work through some of your concerns and prepare yourself for your new family member at the same time.

The issues of trust and control are central between you (the intended parents) and your surrogate. One of the most important things you can do now is to learn to see things through her eyes, and give her the chance to see things through yours. A little empathy goes a long way toward building a solid relationship.

Still, you may find yourself worrying about your surrogate’s travel, diet, finances, choice of doctor, medication, bedrest, and labor and delivery. Clearly, you can’t control all of these variables, but you can, with a counselor’s help, decide which are most important to you so that you can raise them calmly. Many of your concerns can be alleviated by getting accurate medical information about your surrogate throughout her pregnancy.

The last trimester is a good time to plan for what your role will be during your surrogate’s labor and delivery. Your counselor can help you and your surrogate create a plan. How active will you be? Who will hold the baby first? How can you show your appreciation to your surrogate for what she has done?

A “good goodbye” with your surrogate is also important, and this, too, can be discussed ahead of time. Will you get together with your surrogate and her family? You may want to take pictures so that you can remember the woman who gave birth to your child. Finally, many intended parents and their surrogates may want to exchange small gifts as a way of validating the special relationship they have shared.

A surrogate mother story

Here is a story about a woman who became a surrogate mother for a couple she did not know. She describes the feeling of exhilarating and exiting. It is incredible to give the gift of life to someone, especially someone you don't know. Click here to read the details of this story.

What decisions do you need to make when you are considering surrogacy?

There are certain questions which need to be answered when pursuing surrogacy. Here is a list of items you should consider. The medical questions should be discussed with your Reproductive Endocrinologist and the legal questions should be discussed with an attorney.

o How many embryos should you transfer?

o How do you feel about having multiples (twins, triplets etc)?

o How do you feel about selective reduction - for example reducing 3 fetuses to 2?

o If anything should happen to you and your partner during the pregnancy, what provisions will you make for the child? Who will take care of the child?

o Are you prepared to work with a surrogate who is in another state? You might have to if the laws in your state are unfavorable. Most arrangements are with parties who live in different states.

o Will you work with a surrogate mother who is not experienced e.g. has had children before but not via surrogacy? This type of surrogate will usually be a bit cheaper than a proven surrogate - someone who has previously given birth via surrogacy.

o Would you like to be present at the birth?

o Do you want to attend major appointments such as sonograms?

o How much contact will you want with the SM before, during and after the pregnancy?

o What and when will you tell your children?

o What and when will you tell your family?

Why does a woman become a surrogate mother?

Many surrogate mothers enjoy being pregnant. There are many motivations to being a surrogate mother and some of them are listed here.

The surrogate mother

• has had someone close to her experience infertility

• loves being pregnant

• experiences the joy of giving the most precious gift;

• has a history of easy, uncomplicated pregnancies;

• has an opportunity to feel special;

• knows the importance of her own children in her life;

• has an opportunity to make a unique contribution to a family's life;

• enjoys financial gain for her family;

• has an opportunity to make up for a pregnancy previously terminated.

The women who are surrogate mothers are very special people indeed. Often, they are referred to as 'angels'. They are surrogate mothers because they ultimately want to share the gift of life with people who are unable to carry their child themselves.

Surrogacy

What is surrogacy?

A surrogate mother is a woman who carries a child for someone else who, for one reason or another, is unable to carry a child herself.

There are two types of surrogacy - Traditional Surrogacy and Gestational Surrogacy.

Traditional Surrogacy

Using the surrogate mother's own egg she is artificially inseminated with sperm from the intended father (or sperm donor). In this way the surrogate mother will be genetically linked to the child.

When the child is born, the intended father's name is put on the birth certificate and depending on the state, the intended mother adopts the child via a step-parent adoption agreement in order to establish her parental rights or the intended mother's name goes directly on the birth certificate. Under the step-parent adoption agreement the surrogate relinquishes her rights to the child. This agreement is drawn up by your attorney. Note: The laws vary by state.

Gestational Surrogacy

The surrogate mother uses her uterus to carry a child. The child will not be genetically related to the surrogate mother. Using the In Vitro Fertilization process eggs are taken from the intended mother or egg donor and fertilized with the sperm of the intended father or sperm donor. Embryos are then transferred to the surrogate mother's uterus. If there are any left over embryos they can be cryopreserved (frozen and stored) and used in a future transfer.

Typically at the end of the second trimester or beginning of the third trimester the intended parents petition the court to have both their names put on the birth certificate when the baby is born. This agreement is drawn up by your attorney. Note: The laws vary by state.

Which one is right for you?

There are two options to choose from and the final choice depends on your circumstances and your doctor's recommendation. The following gives examples of when you might consider each type.

Consider Traditional Surrogacy if you have had:

• any disorder which affects the ovaries such as premature ovarian failure, genetic disorders, surgically absent ovaries, chemotherapy which destroyed the ovaries, severe endometriosis etc.

Consider Gestational Surrogacy if you have had:-

• a hysterectomy

• surgeries for fibroids

• damage from infection from IUD

• congenital abnormalities of the uterus etc.